No news on the pain front. Everything still hurts, but what I’m doing (drugs, meditation, weed, and rest) is keeping it enough in control for me to function. Some days are good, some are bad, and changing the weather offers some experiences.

I think I’ve spoken on this blog before about my depression and anxiety. I live with pretty severe cases of both and have worked to live better with them daily. In the past, things have gotten terrible. I was suicidal and went in for a course of electro-convulsive therapies. They stopped the existential urge, but left my memory, sense of direction, and more damaged. The trade was fair.

Today (again) the psych nurse practitioner, is changing my meds because they are not working. I was declared treatment-resistant long ago. They have yet to find anything that completely curbs the depression. (The weed is a superstar for curing anxiety.)

Changing medications is always a crap-shoot. You have one fading out of your system as another jumps in. Not only are the effects of the drugs changing, but their side-effects are changing as well. I’ve started new drugs that made me flat-out psychotic, seeing things that were not there and hearing voices. That is not a fun experience. And a lot of meds have side effects in the bowel area. I won’t go into any more detail than that.

This time, she is changing two drugs at the same time. They are looking at the conjunctions between drugs in my treatment now. I have steeled myself for whatever changes may be hitting. Which means the anxiety goes up. Then my choice is to take more cannabis and become much less functional, or deal with a layer of itching anxiety and acid in my stomach. Cross your fingers for me. I need all the luck I can get.

In “the world isn’t half bad” category, spring is here and my garden is leaping to life. Everything is growing so fast, so tall. The yard is semi-mown and full of henbit, purple dead nettle, cleavers, chickweed, violets, and many happy flowers. I have Solomon’s seal blooming, as well as rhododendron, some irises, and one of my thyme plants.

I love going out into the garden and picking things to bring inside. I try to keep a vase of fresh flowers in my house throughout the growing season. The fresh air and connection to the ground do a great deal to life in my most bearish moods. Getting out on some days is just a hope. I have situated things so I have a superb view of flowers and herbs out my window. I can pretend to be a cat and simply stare out the window.

All I need now is new potting soil  – and a large pile of it. I purchased several new fabric pots for tomatoes, peppers, and herbs. Getting these is not something I can do, so I am waiting until I can have help. I have fun just imagining where I will put the plants and what will grow in them. Danny, my cat, likes to sleep in one pot, so if I’m lucky, I will grow kittens.